coming home

..And now he's here. he came back. Our common friend revealed it to me, that according to him, he was here for about a long time now. Though, I was not totally surprised by the revelation it still occupied my mind. ang hirap ng mag isip, ang hirap salubungin ng reality because it deeply hurts. Sana ganun lang kadali. But the more i try to ignore it, the more it lingers through my mind. Paano nya nagawa sa akin ito? Why not just say goodbye? Why must his way really gets me fall? Sana nagpaalam na lang sya. Maybe naka recover ako ng mas madali. But i guess not, for the love that i feel for him is too much, too great to hold back.

But he did not see me like i do. Sayang kean, sayang...

One more chance

What can i say to make you change your mind? to have a chance to turn the hands of time, back to the days when you were mine. If only to give me one more chance for one last time.

All that i dream

What else to do..if you knew from the start that it was just a borrowed time? I have dreamed a moment with him, that somehow forever is good to be true. That i'm not just dreaming, this heart will lead me. He will come back. And so he did.

It made me so happy. so happy. oh God , if he only knew. But never i thought it will just last for months, less i became happy. All that i dreamed, leads to overflowing tears, and it dawned in me i was just on the wrong side of the road. Expecting a lot. dreaming of my own dreams. creating an illussion. he is not mine. I dont know if kean knows how he hurts me, will he care to know? maybe right now he wouldnt. Distance have kept us apart. And for a very long long time, what we have, can be easily forgotten for a moment of time. I was just expecting something that is deep, what i did not remember was he has his own choices, his heart can change, and there's nothing i can do about that. I forgot to take this part. or maybe i choose to, i choose to close my eyes just for a moment of happiness with him, just to have his heart again. to feel i am worthy.

In the end, i felt the opposites. I am still hurting. I have swallowed my pride manytimes, just to show him how i'd like to communicate even for one last time. But he refused to. And silence were deafening. It is blowing my mind until now. If only God wasnt with me? maybe i died. But God chooses to stand by my side, and protect me to stand through this test, and showed me that love isnt far...that i can have it at the right time. Though, i am still hurting by his silence, I know that God will be with me no matter what happen. I just hope to get by until the hurt will fade away, and until the time i learn on how to let go, that someone i truly love, the one love i ever dreamed of.

Wherever you are...a song for kean

WHEREVER YOU ARE
BY VONDA SHEPARD

Come out, moon.Come out, wishing star.
Come out, come out,wherever you are.
I´m out here in the dark,all alone and wide awake.
Come and find me.
I´m empty and I´m coldand my heart´s about to break.
Come and find me.
I need you to come here and find me,
´cause without you I´m totally lost.
I´ve hung a wish on every star,
it hasn´t done much good so far.
I can only dream of you,wherever you are.

But when the morning comes and the sun begins to rise
I wll lose you,
because it´s just a dream,when I open up my eyes
I wil lose you.
I used to believe in forever,
but forever´s to good to be true.

I´ve hung a wish on every star,
it hasn´t done much good so far.
I can only dream of you,
wherever you are.

I´ll hear you laugh,I´ll see you smile,
I´ll be with youjust for a while.
Oh, I´ll be there just for a while.

I used to believe in forever
but forevers to good to be true.
I´ve hung a whis on every star,
it hasn´t done much good so far.
I don´t know what else to do,
except to try to dream of you.
I wonder if you´re dreaming too,
wherever you are.Wherever you are.......

by letting go

It's been a year, kung tutuusin sobrang tagal na rin, enough to let go. Still, the hurt continues. Bakit nga ba nagkaganon? palagi kong tanong sa isip. ano nga bang nangyari para lumayo ang isang tao sayo? para iwanan ka..ng walang paalam. Na kahit anong gawin mo hindi mo kayang i explain sa sarili kung bakit kaya nyang kalimutan ka ng ganun kadali. It has broken my faith, in my life, the only thing i dreamed is to live in love, in God's protection, and my family beside me. Tama na yon for me. Pero hindi pala ganun ang buhay, the only thing real in this world is God's love and God's protection, kasi yung mga mahal mo, maaari ring mawala pala sayo anytime. Everything is a constant change, even feelings. Even true feelings. At yung forever na pinaniniwalaan mo, is just a mere creation of your mind, hindi pala ganoon ang nararamdaman nya para sayo. You're just the only one in that road, ikaw lang palang mag isa. Dreaming of forever with him. And i thought that it's real. It's something that i can hold on to, something that will last forever. Pero bakit ganun? bakit ganun na lang kadaling makalimutan ka?


I have no angry feelings for him. none a bit. but the pain he brought me is still unbearable up to this time. Masakit isipin na somehow maybe he had moved on, siguro ganun lang kadali talaga para sa kanya, and it kills me to know that im still here, im still taking the pain. Kasi sobrang pagpapahalaga mo sa isang tao, na matagal mo ng panahong iningatan sa puso mo, in the end, you will just find out, you're nothing for him. Yes, it's been a year now, i should move on and get along with life now, i can laugh even to a simple jokes with my friends, go out and chill. But i can never deny, that even in the middle of the night or before i close my eyes, tears kept falling. I cannot explain a lot, or kung may makakaintindi man sa akin. Years have gone by, marami ng masasakit na alaala, and all those times i've never given up, i always choose to stand. This is the most painful part of my life, moving on can be as hard as ever, pero with God i know makakaya ko pa rin.

There are many questions, yet unanswered. Kung sana masasagot nya lang lahat ito so finally i can say goodbye. Coz i know, this is what he wants. It just hurt me to take this silence for so long.
I know he doesnt cared for me at all now, pero it's just a wish, a hope that i can still regain myself and stand again. Kung alam lang sana nya ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Siguro he will choose to say goodbye. But who cares for me anyway? wala na siguro.

closed/

On my first blog entry

Sumagi sa isip ko kagabi kung pano nga ba gumawa ng isang blog. Anong title ang aking ipo post sa una kong blog entry. Maraming topic, at madaling gumawa ng title, pero yung nilalaman mahirap gawin kung wala kang sariling ideya o base sa iyong experience. And nagulat na lang ako sa isiping pwede pala kong sumulat ng kahit ano, lalo na if it's about my true feelings lang. Kahit ano na ma i ishare o hindi man this can be an outlet to release all what's inside you na minsan we can't share to our friends or even our family. Kasi, may mga bagay na mas gusto mo pang ikaw na lang ang magdala kaysa ipaalam mo pa sa mga taong mahal mo na baka lang hindi nila kayanin i absorbed lahat ng sasabihin mo. diba?

So it consumed my time, thinking of what to write on my first entry. Sana ganun lang kadali magsabi ng nasa sa loob mo, pero hindi. I was born to lived behind my solitude. Ang lalim diba? Pag maraming beses ka ng nasaktan, nadapa, bumangon, nadapa ulit at patuloy pa ring nasasaktan, malalim ka na talagang magsalita pero hindi ganun kadali ang mag open up ng masasakit na parte ng buhay mo. Mas pipiliin mong magtago na lang sa katahimikan mo, sa lalim ng damdamin mo, dahil alam mong marami ang hindi makakaintindi sa'yo. Kung alam lang nila, behind those smiles, those happy moments you shared to these people arround you, you're hiding your own thoughts of deeper solitude that no one can see, no one can try to understand. Because you never want them to get worried, never you want them to cry for you. Mahirap mabuhay in the middle of nowhere. May makakaintindi ba doon? I hardly accept the fact that I live in this cruel world, na hindi lahat ng tao na akala ko noon lahat ay mabubuti, ay hindi pala. Saka ko lang nalaman na you can't trust everyone you encounter, hindi lahat may mabubuting intensyon sayo.

At 34, still unattached, i've crossed so many roads and took a lot of pain life can offer. Still, i was thinking, kasi alam ko i still have missed a thing. Kahit marami rin akong sinubukan, marami rin akong tinake na chance, life is still empty. I have regrets sometimes, but i couldn't just wallow in regrets in my lifetime. Alam ko may dahilan lahat kung "bakit" at every season has it's reason to take by. I've learned from it. I taste the pain. At alam ko behind these loneliness that i feel, darating din ang panahon na magiging masaya rin ako, at dumating man o hindi ang taong totoong magmamahal sa akin, enough na yung alam ko na I have God beside me. and inside me.

I will get by i know. I will continue to live, no matter what.